Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
