i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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