She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
