im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
