If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
