he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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