There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
