OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
