mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
