just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
