i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
