we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
