Can i not drive my cunt home
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
