You smell like stripper and shame
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
