i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
