Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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