I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
