My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
