apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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