So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
