So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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