i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
