I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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