i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My nipple is on Facebook.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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