My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i wish my penis had a tongue
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
