I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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