I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
