mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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