Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
false alarm, still single
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
