The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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