i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
did i just pee glitter
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
