He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
