just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
