Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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