1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
