just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
