you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
