Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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