3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
