i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
