Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
