chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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