It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I use my feet as sexual weapons
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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