When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
