There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
