all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
