i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
did you just send me my own nude
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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