I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
