I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
