Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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