is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
