dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
